At this week’s Labour Party Conference, Keir Starmer became the nation’s latest meme thanks to a speech on patriotism and what it means to be British.
As the audience waved Union Jack flags, he defined ‘real Britain’ as, ‘painting a fence, running the raffle, cutting the half-time orange, or even just that gentle knock on the door which checks you neighbour is alright.’
Perhaps the Prime Minister was trying to emulate The Jam, who romanticised the mundanity of everyday life in the UK – from ‘sticky black tarmac’ to ‘watching the telly and thinking about your holidays’ – in That’s Entertainment.
But it didn’t go down quite as Well(er), with social media becoming a hive of parodies and baffled posts questioning his somewhat peculiar view of the country’s shared experiences.
While some people are hopefully kind enough to check in on neighbours, painting fences seems more like a Mark Twain scene (who can afford a house with a garden these days anyway, right?) while half-time oranges are a tradition across the sports-playing world.
Plus, surely a more relatable reference to raffles would be winning a dusty old bottle of port at one, sticking it in the back of the cupboard, then dishing it out as a prize for a different raffle two years later.
When we asked Metro readers the habits and traits they see as quintessentially British, none of the PM’s ideas came up.
However, politeness, a ‘stiff upper lip’ and having a cuppa at every opportunity proved to be popular answers.
‘A cup of tea, or a wet paper towel, or a having a beer will fix it,’ said Christina Girgis, while Damon Hendrix added: ‘A bus just drove through your living room and all you say is “who wants a cup of tea?”‘
Jane Murphy described the nation’s beautiful scenery and nature, along with ‘singing Land of Hope and Glory at the Proms.’
On the other hand though, many commenters noted how we’ve perfected the art of complaining, including Gillian Sharman who said: ‘We are very good at moaning, just for the sake of it.’
Isabel Sanchez, who moved to the UK 15 years ago, joked: ‘The most British thing is calmly dealing with a big disaster at the same time as using over-dramatic words to describe menial things.’
It rings true as well; Blighty residents will happily get irate and call someone a d***head for not holding a door or standing on the wrong side of the escalator, then ‘go to the Winchester, have a nice cold pint, and wait for all this to blow over’ during a zombie apocalypse a la Sean of the Dead (a fictional scenario albeit one that hits very close to home).
Linda King was one of numerous readers who commented on the Brit habit of ‘saying “sorry” to strangers just for being in the world,’ others also (of course) mentioned queuing, and Josie Cook also brought back the universal memory of ‘rushing outside before the ice cream van drives off.’
So, to give Keir a helping hand for his next analogy, we’ve come up with a more realistic list of what ‘real Britain’ looks like using the the common themes that filled up our comments section.
- Forgetting it’s bin day and having to run down the street in your slippers to catch the lorry
- Feeling ashamed yet proud of how many Yorkshire puddings you can put away at Toby Carvery
- Asking people ‘you alright?’ with no expectation of any response more detailed than ‘yeah, you?’
- Moaning about the weather, whatever the weather
- Moaning in general, just for the sake of small talk
- Drinking huge amounts of tea
- Crowds of people unconsciously rearranging themselves into an orderly queue
- Saying everything’s fine when you’re internally screaming
- Going out in shorts even when it’s pouring with rain
- Pork scratchings with hair on
- Deadpan, sarcastic, self-deprecating humour
- Bagging a yellow sticker bargain on the big shop
- The goodbye ritual of, ‘Alright, ok bye… yes, bye… see you later… see you, okay, okay bye, bye bye, buh bye. Take care… you too, okay byeeeee.’
- High streets made up entirely of vape shops, betting shops, barbers and the odd American candy store
- Spending all week excited about getting a chippy tea on a Friday night
- Saying sorry when trying to pass someone walking
- Saying sorry when someone else has wronged you, or if no one’s done anything wrong
- Absolutely feral seagulls
- People going to the shop in their pyjamas (which we all disapprove of, even if we’ve been guilty of doing the same in a pinch)
- Niche, ridiculous and downright harsh insults peppered into conversations with anyone and everyone e.g. melt, nonce, c***womble
- Silly and rude place names e.g. Cockermouth, Nob End, Twatt
- Spending half your life savings on Oasis tickets – and not regretting it for a moment
- Mums’ obsession with picky teas as soon as the sun comes out and slow cooker stews as soon as the first autumn leaf turns brown
- Football fans chanting about how terrible/disliked their team own team are
- That ‘one guy’ at every local pub who other punters try to avoid making eye contact with
- Having a strong preference for either Eastenders, Corrie or Emmerdale
- Seething at the price of a pint but going back for another half an hour later
- Screaming ‘it’s behind you’ and ‘oh no she didn’t’ at pantomimes
- Frantically calling the GP at 8am like you’re trying to book the last chopper out of Saigon, only to be told there’s no appointments left at 8.04am (you still clapped the NHS during lockdown though)
- Calling the owner of the takeaway or convenience store ‘bossman’
- Being completely affronted when Americans have the cheek to criticise British food
- Parks and beaches becoming standing room only on a summer’s day
- A Chinese takeaway order that has nothing recognisably Chinese on it
- Clapping/saying ‘wahey’ when someone drops something
- Dogs called human names like Nigel or Dave or Gary
- Pushing the bus stop button too early and making it awkward
- The air smelling of barbecue the moment it hits 14°C
- Half-empty offices because so many people ‘pulled a sickie’ the day after a big national event
- Curtain-twitching when literally anything happens on your street
- Having the best weekend of your life knee-deep in mud at a festival
- Caring about the pronunciation of scone
- Caring about whether it’s called a roll, bap, barm or cob
- Somehow always getting the one supermarket trolley with a dodgy wheel
- Mourning the loss of Woolworths and Wilko
- Sharing a bag of crisps in a pub by ripping the bag open
- Thanking drivers who let you go past or cross the road, despite the fact they’re required to do so
- Maintaining a comprehensive knowledge of niche pop culture quotes e.g. ‘What a sad little life, Jane’
Starmer, take note.