With every new generation of parents comes a new school of thought on the best approach to child-rearing.
And just as gentle parenting replaced the authoritarian methods favoured in decades gone by, the pendulum has now swung back to something altogether more savage: FAFO, or f*** around and find out.
According to a recent Wall Street Journal report, an increasing number of parents are adopting FAFO after the softer approach left them feeling ‘walk[ed] all over’.
Whereas gentle parenting encourages positive behaviour through discussion and redirection, FAFO is all about letting kids experience the negative consequences of their actions.
Say it’s a winter’s morning and your little one is refusing to put a coat on; following the former technique, you’d acknowledge their frustration and explain why you’re asking them to wrap up warm. On the other hand, if you’re going by FAFO, you’d simply let them go out in their t-shirt, hoping the cold would make them miserable enough to learn their lesson.
If you think it seems a bit harsh, you’re not alone. According to Sarah Ockwell-Smith, author of The Gentle Parenting Book, although it may look like it works to produce obedience without much effort, ‘it’s a temporary quick fix that will cause far more issues down the line.’
Dr Emily Crosby, child and educational psychologist, largely agrees, arguing that children need to feel protected by the adults in their lives above all else.
‘If they do not feel this safety early on in their childhoods this can then result in negative behaviours towards themselves, friendships, romantic relationships and even their own children one day,’ she tells Metro.
To balance no-nonsense discipline with healthy guidance, Dr Crosby says boundaries are vital — and these must be in place, with trust and respected established, before you even consider a more experimental approach.
Although Dr Amanda Gummer, PhD in neuropsychology and founder of the Good Play Guide, acknowledges that FAFO ‘risks tipping into neglect’ if taken too far, she believes it can work for parents who ‘feel burnt out from constant negotiation and micromanagement’ at home.
‘There’s a growing sense among parents that children are not developing the tools to cope with failure, disappointment or responsibility because adults are too quick to intervene and soften every blow,’ she tells Metro.
‘When done well, I think an FAFO approach can help children build life skills such as judgement, independence, emotional regulation and resilience. Experiencing manageable failures and learning to reflect on them can foster a strong sense of competence and self-esteem. And for parents, it can reduce conflict and relieve the emotional burden of being involved in every small decision.’
Dr Gummer’s advice is to start small and be there to offer support whenever it’s required; like letting them deal with the school’s repercussions for not doing their homework, then discussing things together when they get home.
‘It’s about stepping back just enough to allow growth, without withdrawing a presence,’ she adds. ‘Letting children experience consequences within safe limits is an important part of growing up, but it should never feel like punishment or abandonment. Compassion remains key.’
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