Marriages can survive a lot — from jealousy to affairs — but a secret love child might just be the biggest betrayal of them all.
This week’s reader has discovered a devastating lie at the heart of her 25-year marriage. Her husband has a three-year-old son with another woman.
She feels physically sick, but doesn’t know how to walk away, especially as she suspects the other woman is hoping she will.
Read the advice below, but before you go, don’t forget to read last week’s column where one reader is struggling to keep his dad’s flirty girlfriend at bay.
The problem:
I’ve recently discovered that my husband of over 25 years has a child by another woman and I’m devastated. I know I should kick him out but despite what’s happened, I don’t think I could face life without him.
We’ve had many ups and downs over the years, and have both had affairs which have nearly caused us to split up. In fact, I’m amazed that we’re still together – but underneath it all, we have a really unshakeable bond that never seems to break.
Our two daughters, who are both in their twenties, have some idea of the problems we’ve had, but think they are all in the past. They’ve both left home and I too thought my partner and I had turned a corner with lots of days out, holidays and social occasions with friends.
Recently, however, I was told by the wife of one of his golfing buddies that he has a three-year-old son by a local woman who I vaguely know. I was physically sick and didn’t want to believe it was true – but when I went round to her house, she confirmed every word. To tell the truth, I think it gave her great pleasure to inform me that they’d been having an affair for four years and that he regularly sees her and the child.
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My partner broke down when I confronted him and admitted everything. He was full of apologies and said he only maintains an on-off relationship with this woman, but is fond of the child and knows he is financially responsible for him.
All this came to light three weeks ago and I haven’t slept properly since. I couldn’t bear to throw my husband out, not just because I love him, but because I’m sure that’s what she wants.
The advice:
I’m so sorry you find yourself in this position, although I wonder whether your joint history of having affairs made it easier for your husband to have yet another fling – which this time, resulted in a child.
In fact, the person I feel most sorry for in all this is the little boy who, through no fault of his own, has a father who is seldom around. Given the difficulties you have previously overcome, I wonder why your husband didn’t come clean with you so that you could try to work through this problem together?
You say you don’t want to break up, and perhaps you do have a marriage worth fighting for. But how do you feel about the child? Are you willing to involve him in your life, and are your adult children (who should be told) ready to embrace this new situation, too?
Go to couple’s counselling to look at why cheating has become part of your married landscape, and see whether you can move on from this. Make sure your husband’s apologies are genuine, that the affair with this woman is put completely in the past, and that he isn’t simply sorry he got caught out.
Above all, remember it isn’t that poor little boy’s fault. Whatever your decision, he deserves to have a father in his life as much as your own children did.
Laura is a counsellor and columnist.
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