I couldn’t stop catching feelings after good sex with unsuitable men

‘I think we might have something real,’ I told my friend as I recalled how my night with John* had gone.

The sex had been intense – not just because my lover clearly knew how to get a woman off, but because our emotional connection had felt really strong, too. Like the moment we were lying in bed looking at each other as he stroked the hair off my face and said I was ‘so beautiful’.

John and I knew each other through social circles but had never spent much time together outside parties.

Eventually, he got my number from a common friend and I was thrilled to hear from him.

One night, he made his move by asking if he could come over to ‘hang out’. I immediately said yes.

He showed up at my doorstep and we spent hours in my bedroom – talking, cuddling and having the aforementioned incredible sex.

My pal and I then poured over every tiny detail of this event.

To me, John’s intimate touches – and I don’t mean the sexy ones – were a sign of something special.

I was smitten.

Later that same week, I ran into John at a bar – but, while he did acknowledge my existence, he didn’t exactly act like I was ‘The One’. In fact, he treated me more like a mate than a woman he had shagged.

I wasn’t stupid. I knew that him turning up at 10pm for our ‘hang out’ hadn’t been a great sign of long-term commitment; but both the sex and the post-coital moments had been so good that I had convinced myself it must have meant something.

My pal had agreed – his behaviour surely signalled that he liked me, at the very least. 

Oh, how naive I was.

When this all happened, I was in my early 20s and I didn’t understand then what I know now.

I had misinterpreted a great sexual connection for a romantic one.

The amazing sex had made me catch feelings – or, at least, made me hope for them.

This is all too common; and so I think it’s important to admit that how we feel about sex, casual or otherwise, can be really hard to grasp sometimes.

In other words: A great shag can make you confuse the reality of a sexual spark with the possibility of serious romance.

I’ve had my fair share of this.

Sam* and I hooked up in a bar on a summer night, as was often the case before dating apps took over.

He was hot, I was horny and he lived nearby.

I had no expectations of our time together beyond sex – of which we had plenty – so I was caught off guard by his gentle and sweet demeanor.

I was even more surprised when Sam’s mates came home from the club and he introduced me to them – while holding his arm around my waist and telling them that he’d found someone ‘really special’.

I proceeded to have drinks with the lads in their living room, before returning to bed with my lover in the early hours of the morning.

Round two was even hotter, because my feelings had crept out to say hi. Tragically, though, Sam and I never saw each other again.

We had exchanged numbers – on paper, rather than in our phones – and I lost mine the next day.

I waited and hoped that he would call since I now couldn’t, but he never did. I was gutted for weeks – not just because I felt embarrassed and rejected, but because my mind had already imagined something more between us.

Even now, I can still feel a faint sting of disappointment at how things played out.

But here is what I have learned.

Firstly, both John and Sam deserve part of the blame. 

You can absolutely be cuddly with a one-night-stand or a casual shag – but if you are, make it clear to the other person that this is not a sign that you want more.

These men gave me false hope.

From my own experience, I have found this behaviour to be more prevalent among men than women – though it certainly happens on both sides.

I have comforted endless friends who felt upset because they confused sexual affection with real emotion, or because they’d been deceived by someone who wasn’t upfront with them.

But that said; your sexual partner is not the only guilty party.

Let’s be honest: I jumped the gun a lot.

I was young and eager to find my ‘big love’ so I often forgot to ask myself if I actually liked the guy I had slept with – or just wanted one of those rom-com endings.

Now, when I think back to some of the guys who I thought were ‘The One’ – who in reality were barely ‘The One That Night’ – it makes me laugh.

But I could have saved myself a lot of grief – not to mention confusion – if I had been brave enough to admit to myself that sometimes great sex is just great sex. 

If you’re a romantic, it might feel alien to imagine that some people are affectionate lovers even if they have no romantic feelings but we all act differently in the sack.

The trick to knowing the difference is being honest – with both yourself and your lover.

*Names have been changed

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk. 

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