Having a crush on someone when you’re already in a relationship is common — and usually harmless.
But what if you start to catch real feelings?
Despite living with her long-term boyfriend and their toddler, this week’s reader can’t stop thinking about her coworker.
To make matters even more confusing, while she identifies as straight, she’s fallen for another woman.
Check out our expert’s advice below, but before you go, take a look at last week’s dilemma, from a man who is letting his friends’ opinions stop him from finding love.
The problem…
I live with my long-term boyfriend, and we have an adorable little girl who’s two. My partner is absolutely fantastic and a great dad, so I have no worries there.
My problem is that out of the blue, I’ve started fantasising about a girl who works with me. She’s a similar age, 32, and is absolutely stunning to look at.
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She says her good looks are actually a problem as men never ask her out, thinking she’d turn them down flat. She told me she hasn’t even had sex for over a year.
I’ve never thought I was gay, but I feel this unexpected attraction to my colleague. We often go to lunch together and I find it hard to eat, because of the knot in my stomach. I’m pretty sure that I hide my feelings well, and she has no idea that I secretly lust after her.
But at home, it must be obvious that this girl is on my mind, because my boyfriend recently asked me if I’m having an affair. Of course, I could genuinely tell him that I’m not.
I fantasise about her during sex, and imagine that having a lesbian encounter with her would be absolutely amazing. I’d never dream of having an affair with another guy, but I’ve convinced myself it would be okay to have a fling with a woman.
I’m so obsessed that I’m thinking of telling her how I feel, to see whether she feels the same way.
I know this is crazy, as I have a nice life and would be putting everything at risk if I had an affair with her.
The advice
You don’t need me to tell you that cheating’s cheating, whether it’s with someone of the same or opposite sex. I’m pretty sure your husband wouldn’t see much difference.
Being attracted to someone of your own gender, if you were unattached, is not an issue. But you’re living with someone and you have a small child, so you must think extra hard about what you’re going to do; there’s so much at stake.
Telling this girl how you feel would be taking a huge gamble, and may even cost you a friendship. If she hasn’t indicated that she’s romantically interested in women, she may be really shocked to discover that she’s the object of your fantasies.
On the other hand, if she feels the way you do, it simply wouldn’t be fair to have a fling with her in your present position. You must ask yourself whether you’re prepared for a messy split, which could well be the case.
It’s clear that there’s something missing for you at home, but when there are children involved, I always urge couples to try their utmost to resolve their difficulties. Parental separations can do so much damage to kids.
Only you know the right way forward, but as a last resort try couples counselling before you do anything drastic. As you say, you have a lot to lose.
Laura is a counsellor and columnist.
Got a sex and dating dilemma? To get expert advice, send your problem to Laura.Collins@metro.co.uk.
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