Can you ever really know someone?
That’s a question this week’s reader began to wonder, after feeling unloved and unsatisfied in her marriage for almost a year.
So, she took some pretty drastic measures to find out what was going on with her husband. But now she’s uncovered the truth, she’s faced with a big decision.
Read the advice below, but before you go, make sure to check out last week’s dilemma from an anxious woman tackling how to tell family and friends about her surprising new boyfriend.
The problem
I’ve recently found out that my husband is not only cheating, but has a baby with his lover. I’m so upset I’ve been signed off work with depression, as I just can’t think straight and keep bursting into tears.
I’ve sensed he’s been up to something for nearly a year. Sex began to feel very mechanical, like he was just doing some sort of duty. He stopped being affectionate and seldom kissed me unless I made the first move. Even then, it felt fake.
Sometimes he stayed out all night on the pretext of being at a mate’s house, but my friends all convinced me to have him followed so that I could find out what he was up to. It was even worse than I suspected; the private investigator I hired got some pictures of him pushing a pram, with a female by his side.
Of course, I confronted him, and though he denied it at first and said he was just pushing a friend’s pram, he finally admitted that the child is his. He says he feels torn and that he doesn’t want to divorce me, but my parents are very well off and generous to us, so I worry he’s just interested in the money.
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I’m so heartbroken about everything because he always told me he didn’t want children yet, even though I’ve been nagging him for the last couple of years.
He has now left but phones me every day, begging forgiveness and wanting a reconciliation. My friends are adamant that I shouldn’t take him back, but I still love him so much.
What should the reader do in this situation?
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Take her husband back and try to reconcile.
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End the relationship and move on with her life.
The advice…
This is such a sad story, and I do feel for you, but I’m with your friends on this one – you don’t want him back.
Painful though it is to admit, it doesn’t sound as though this man really loved you as a husband should. Sometimes the truth hurts, but you need to be realistic – it’s a horrible shock to the system, but if you’re still hankering after this guy, maybe that sickening realisation is exactly what you need.
Whether or not he really loves this other woman, he now has a legal obligation to maintain the child financially. Because of your own desire to have a family, I think this would haunt you even if you did attempt a reconciliation.
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Hi, my name is Laura Collins, and every week I write Metro’s Sex Column.
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And if you’re right in thinking that he enjoys your parents’ money, imagine what it would be like if you inherited their wealth one day. He could end the marriage at that point and make a substantial claim on everything they’ve left you.
So, whatever he says, my advice is – please don’t take him back.
You haven’t had long to mend your broken heart, but mend it you will with the help of friends and family. Create a social life with people who make you feel valued and loved, and enjoy being single for a while. Meanwhile, the right therapist can help you tap into an inner strength you didn’t know you had.
Go back to work if you can; being around people is generally good for your mental health, and feeling part of something will help your well-being.
View this as an opportunity to start again and look for someone who genuinely cares for you. One day, you’ll see it as a lucky escape.
Laura is a counsellor and columnist.
Got a sex and dating dilemma? To get expert advice, send your problem to Laura.Collins@metro.co.uk.