Although we like to think that love is enough to make any relationship work, sometimes you have to face up to the truth.
This week’s sex column reader is in an incredibly delicate position. He’s totally in love with his girlfriend, besotted even, but there’s a big problem.
He’s feeling conflicted because while she’s keen on taking the next step in their relationship, he’s concerned that her drinking has got out of control.
Trying to talk about the hot topic doesn’t seem to be going anywhere, so what should he do now?
Read the advice below, but before you go, check out last week’s dilemma, from a woman who’s living proof that money can’t buy you happiness.
The problem…
I have an absolutely stunning girlfriend who, at first glance, seems like the perfect partner. She’s beautiful, funny, an amazing cook – and sex with her is out of this world.
We entertain a lot, and she’s the perfect hostess. The trouble is, she likes a drink – actually, she likes several drinks – and by the time our guests leave, she is usually comatose on the settee. I try to make a joke out of it, but I can tell by the pitying glances that some of our friends are unimpressed.
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Hi, my name is Laura Collins, and every week I write Metro’s Sex Column.
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She has her own place but spends a lot of the time at mine and she’s hinted on numerous occasions about moving in permanently so she can rent her flat out – but I’m just not sure I could cope with her full time. I need a few days’ break from her now and again, which I wouldn’t get if she lived here.
New here? Sign up for The Hook Up newsletter
Hi, my name is Laura Collins, and every week I write Metro’s Sex Column.
I’ve been working in newspapers since completing my counselling training 30 years ago, and it’s always a privilege to help readers.
If you love a juicy read, our weekly newsletter has it all – steamy stories, expert tips, and everything in between.
Sign up now to get it straight to your inbox. And if you have a sex, dating or relationship dilemma, get in touch!
Of course I’ve spoken to her about her drinking, but she denies that it’s a problem and accuses me of making a fuss about nothing. She says all her friends drink as much as her (they don’t) and she could stop if she wanted to (she couldn’t.)
I’ve also noticed she drinks in secret; for example, when she comes to my place and we have no plans to go out, she actually knocks back half a bottle of wine in her car before she rings the bell. I know this, because I’ve found bottles shoved under the seat, but when I confront her about it, she just gets angry and says it’s no big deal.
She’s only 28, so what is she going to be like in 10 years time?
The advice…
My bet is that everyone reading this will think your girlfriend has a problem with alcohol, but until she admits it, you’re unlikely to get her to cut down or stop.
It can be infuriating and frustrating for partners of problem drinkers, but this is something they can’t sort out. Your girlfriend has to want to do it for herself.
Excessive drinking often masks other problems that a person finds too painful to face, and sometimes only therapy can get to the bottom of this. A serious but understanding talk when your girlfriend is sober might get you further than the talks you’ve had so far – especially if your efforts could be interpreted as ‘nagging.’
What should the reader do in this situation?
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Split up – it's probably best she works out her issues alone
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Stay together – better communication could help them work it out
Make sure you’re not being an enabler by accepting her poor behaviour and trying to make light of it. No one is fooled, least of all you. And of course, it’s not just crashing out or secret drinking that you have to worry about – long term, excessive alcohol consumption can be very damaging to a person’s health. As you say, what will your girlfriend be like in 10 years?
You probably need to make clear that if she doesn’t get help, she’s going to lose you. That might be the jolt she needs, especially if she sees a future in the relationship and hopes to move in with you.
There’s a great deal of help out there for problem drinkers, so check what’s available in your area.
As a start point, www.drinkaware.co.uk gives lots of advice and support.
Laura is a counsellor and columnist.
Got a sex and dating dilemma? To get expert advice, send your problem to Laura.Collins@metro.co.uk.