I thought my date looked familiar – we’d hooked up before

‘We’ve dated before – don’t you remember me?’

I was sitting in a pub with my date, Lucas*, when he asked me this question and my brain suddenly froze.

Time slowed down and every second that went by where I couldn’t recall his face felt agonisingly long.

Eventually, the penny dropped, though it took far longer than I’d like to admit.

Lucas* and I had been on a date, just like this one, three years earlier.

What I finally remembered was that he had been a perfect gentleman but was too nice – and the brief make-out session we’d shared, was lacklustre.

There was no passion and I didn’t feel even the slightest tingle at his touch.

To me, good kissing is the gateway to great sex and Lucas had failed the test – so he didn’t come home with me.

Unfortunately, he also had competition: I was seeing another guy at the time: a rude and emotionally unavailable man, who happened to be a bloody fantastic shag.

So I had ditched poor Lucas and made up an excuse to go home.

I just wanted to leave so I could keep sexting my other lover – awful man with the awfully good dick.

This unfortunate incident took place over a decade ago and I’m sorry to say that it’s not the first time I’ve chosen good sex over a potentially good man.

I had a penchant for dickheads back then.

Funnily enough, I felt so guilty about forgetting our date that I eventually ended up sleeping with Lucas the second time around and sadly it was as bad as I had anticipated – but that’s not the point of this story. 

You should always follow your gut when it comes to sex – if you’re not feeling it, that’s just how it goes.

While I feel embarrassed about the whole experience, it taught me a great lesson to not put too much emphasis on sexual skills and consider other equally valuable traits, before you blow someone off.

Philip* and I hooked up under bizarre circumstances.

I had been out for drinks at my local and we ended up chatting at the bar.

He was in London for the weekend to check out a flat that he would be moving into the following month and looked a bit lonely, so I invited him to join me and my friends for drinks. 

Fast-forward to midnight, we were getting booted out of the pub and Philip’s last train had left.

Ever-the-accommodating tour guide, I invited him to stay at my place for the night and although I hadn’t intended for us to sleep together, we did. 

Philip was drop-dead gorgeous, charming and seemed like a genuine, kind man – but he was beyond rubbish at sex.

I can’t entirely explain why – my suspicion is as he was incredibly well-endowed, he focussed far too much on penetration without the foreplay. 

The next morning, he asked if I would like to meet up again once he had officially moved to the city.

I took his number but I knew we wouldn’t see each other again.

In hindsight, I wish I had called Philip to go on a date.

Now wiser, I can see things more clearly – like how he was probably feeling a bit awkward because he was in a stranger’s bed miles away from home.

We had only known each other for a few hours and we were both tipsy, which isn’t always the best set-up for amazing sex.

But it’s important to consider the circumstances if the sex isn’t super great but the person is – and vice versa.

I’ve had many lovers who I should have bid farewell to much sooner and I probably would have, had they not been so good at giving me orgasms.

Like Ryan*, who was so charming before sex but always turned cold and distant after we were done.

Or Jimmy* – my on-again, off-again situationship who made me feel like I was only good enough for sex but not ‘girlfriend potential’. 

It took me over a year to sack him off because he was a master shagger.

I’m not suggesting that every nice guy is worth a shot or that you shouldn’t sleep with men who have nothing to offer but sexual prowess.

So long as you are respectful to yourself and your lovers, have at it.

I just want you to remember that sexual connections are not always immediate – sometimes, you have to put in more work.

One of my best lovers of all time – a ‘nice guy’ by anyone’s definition –  was absolutely awful in bed the first time we slept together.

Thankfully, we met when I was much older and my values in what I wanted in a man had matured.

His personality and how he treated me mattered far more than his sexual moves.

After a few months of dating, and lots of communication on both sides, the sex was explosive.

When it comes to roadblocks in sexual compatibility, the only way to tackle the problem is to talk.

It doesn’t always work – sometimes, that spark just isn’t there.

But if you like someone, it’s worth giving them the benefit of the doubt.

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing Ross.Mccafferty@metro.co.uk. 

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