I’ll never forget when a local OnlyFans model asked if I wanted to rent a studio to collaborate with her on some pictures and videos. So far, so simple.
OnlyFans users eat content with the appetite and speed of a voracious monster: you have to post every damn day, which means around 50 photos and three videos a week.
I’ve been at it for five years now. Could you think of that many things to do with your body alone? I doubt it. Collabs are the way forward.
Turned out this model, Kim, was a ‘looner’ — that is, she caters for the balloon fetishist market, which is enormous, and growing.
Looners love the sound, scent and sensation of balloons. Kim explained most of them link their interest to something that happened in childhood. Balloons are often present at our most intense memories, be they celebratory or terrifying.
Many people develop phobias of balloons as children: others turn those intense sensations into eroticism. See also: clowns, and dolls. All cut from the same creepy, but sexy cloth.
Balloons too possess a sensual element. They are visually stimulating and noisy, while the smooth stretchy latex feel has a long history of turning people on.
And I can see how balloons are weirdly sensual. They shine, they squeak, they stretch. Latex has always been horny — corsets, catsuits, gloves, condoms — so why not balloons? They’re the corset’s cheekier, more playful cousin.
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So, armed with that knowledge, we met up to fulfil some looner fantasies.
It was a fun, tiny space, with lots of props, cages and thrones. We made some videos for my OnlyFans where she dressed as a cat and lapped milk from my heels. Then, it was time to loon.
Kim wanted me to pose with her and a dozen enormous balloons she’d been gifted. We bounced on the balloons, rolled on them, threw them at each other.
She had to blow them up, because my lung collapsed a few years back and still hasn’t the strength a committed looner might desire: so I watched on admiringly as Kim huffed and gasped.
She has an ample bosom which swelled and bounced admirably as the balloons slowly, squeakily grew. I can see why the looners might enjoy that part of the process. The rest is more of a mystery.
I imagine they incorporate balloons into their own private play, rubbing them against themselves, probably putting their members into them, but I can’t be sure. Neither can Kim, she never meets her fans in person.
We did not, however, pop the balloons while filming. There is a significant division in the looner community between poppers and non-poppers – some live for the pop, others are terrified and appalled by it.
All looner content must carry trigger warnings, or popper warnings. There are also semi-poppers, who like the occasional pop, but for them it’s usually more about the anticipation, the thrill of the will-they-won’t-they: it represents the squeaky version of edging.
For all these balloon fans, the emotional response to the pop is crucial. It’s about their reaction to risk, tension and release. That sounds like a squeaky fun-filled metaphor for orgasm, or death. Same thing, Freud would say.
After posing with Kim and appearing on her Instagram and OnlyFans, I was inundated by the most extraordinary messages. The looner community can rival those who enjoy spanking for their intense fixation on their kink.
‘Do you like balloons? Do you like to rub yourself against them? Have you got balloons in the house now? Do you masturbate with balloons?’
I’m still not sure what that would actually involve.
I begged Kim to untag me: she obliged, and over time the messages dwindled. I respect her passion and commitment utterly, but don’t feel myself equal to emulating it.
She knows her audience, and goodness how she delivers — squeak for squeak.
Her 800 subscribers need only pay £9 a month, making her around £86,000 per year, give or take. She gets gifted most of her balloons too, so doesn’t even have any costs – that salary is pure profit.
Me? I’ll stick to my cane collection. It had been an interesting experience, but dealing with hundreds of balloon boner DMs a day? I’ll leave that to Kim.
Back to posting solo videos wielding a strap and looking menacing. I know my audience too.
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