I’ll never forget the day I left my ex.
He’d slapped me in the face while I had our newborn baby in my arms. When I said he could have made me drop our son or knocked me unconscious, he blamed me for starting it all – just because I questioned him about taking my money.
I ended up walking out of the house and sitting in a nearby park. Then I mustered up the courage to call my dad and finally tell him what had been happening all these years.
In talking with him and my step-mum, we came up with a plan. I’d go back to the house, fake an apology, and secretly pack a bag for me and my son. Once he left the house, I’d drive us away.
After I’d convinced him to take the dog for a walk, I bolted. I remember being stuck at the traffic lights and panicking as I could see him coming down the road. As soon as the lights turned green, I floored it.
It was the scariest thing I’ve ever done.
I met my ex a few years earlier when I was working in a prison. He said he was serving time for fraud (but I found out much later it was actually for breaking his ex-girlfriend’s jaw).
At first, he was incredibly charming and showered me with compliments. I left that job a few months after meeting him, but we stayed in contact. When he was released a year later, we pursued a relationship.
He worshipped the ground I walked on, bought me gifts, and told me how beautiful I was. On reflection, this was him ‘love bombing’ to gain control over me.
Soon, the red flags started to show. He would call me derogatory things, and make accusations that I was cheating on him or dressing too provocatively.
This Is Not Right
On November 25, 2024 Metro launched This Is Not Right, a year-long campaign to address the relentless epidemic of violence against women.
With the help of our partners at Women’s Aid, This Is Not Right aims to shine a light on the sheer scale of this national emergency.
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I thought he was just being overprotective of me. That if I showed him how much I cared about him, the behaviour would stop.
After moving in together, the physical abuse started. He’d throw things, push me, hit me, spit on me, and kick me. I felt that I was constantly walking on eggshells and didn’t know what would trigger him.
We started trying for a baby about two years into the relationship. I had never wanted a child, but it was all he’d talk about.
I naively thought he’d change his ways if he became a dad. But I was very wrong.
Early on in my pregnancy, my ex attacked me to the point that he was too scared to come to the first scan because he thought he had killed our baby. But upon seeing this scan, he accused me of cheating and claimed the baby wasn’t his.
Learn more about Women's Aid
Women’s Aid have partnered with Metro for our This Is Not Right campaign.
They are a national charity continually working to end domestic abuse against women and children.
Women’s Aid is a federation of over 180 organisations, providing almost 300 local life-saving services to women and children. They are there to support survivors, helping them to be believed and to know that the abuse they’ve experienced is not their fault.
Women’s Aid also campaign for change, calling on the government to address the causes and consequences of domestic abuse.
To learn more about Women’s Aid, visit their website here.
Before we’d even found out the gender, my ex got recalled to prison for attacking a family member.
Once he was released again – a few weeks before our son was born – he was worse than he’d ever been.
The night before I was due to give birth, we got into a huge argument and he made me sleep on the sofa, threatening to not come to the birth.
He did attend and, surprisingly, he was incredible. After that though, he went back to being unpredictable – he would throw things, punch me, kick me, break our son’s toys, cheat on me, and disappear for days at a time after clearing out my bank account.
When I’d finally plucked up the courage to leave my ex, I temporarily moved in with my dad and step-mum. Their help and support was everything to me, but I could see how upset my dad was and it broke my heart.
Foolishly, I let my ex back into my life and even gave him my new address. I was suffering a lot with my mental health and felt overwhelmed being a parent on my own. He was constantly messaging and calling me, playing on my vulnerability, and slowly worked his way back in.
Sure enough, he went on to smash my car up, smash my shed window, harass me, throw my dog at a door, and then attack me for a final time – I was covered in bruises and even a bite mark.
I ran terrified to my neighbours and they called the police, who turned up within minutes. I was taken into my kitchen by an officer who put her hands over my ears and talked to me while he was being arrested in my living room – he was shouting my name and telling me he loved me.
This police officer was absolutely amazing. She checked up on me and came to court to give evidence – even though it wasn’t a requirement of her.
I remember walking into the waiting room and seeing her there. When I told her I was too scared to testify, she gently reminded me how important my statement was for a conviction.
Going through the courts repeatedly – with hearings being cancelled and adjourned – and being cross-examined was awful. I’m unbelievably lucky that I have incredible support.
Despite being able to secure multiple convictions, it took a huge toll on my mental health. In the aftermath, I had counselling for over a year, but I eventually had a breakdown and took time off work. I still suffer from anxiety and panic attacks.
Learn more about domestic abuse in the UK
- One in 4 women will experience domestic abuse at some point in their lives
- ONS research revealed that, in 2023, the police recorded a domestic abuse offence approximately every 40 seconds
- Yet Crime Survey for England & Wales data for the year ending March 2023 found only 18.9% of women who experienced partner abuse in the last 12 months reported the abuse to the police
- According to Refuge, 84% of victims in domestic abuse cases are female, with 93% of defendants being male
- Safe Lives reports that disabled women are twice as likely to experience domestic abuse as non-disabled women, and typically experience domestic abuse for a longer period of time before accessing support
- Refuge has also found that, on average, it takes seven attempts before a woman is able to leave for good.
Although there are services to help survivors, underfunding from the Government and high demand means these services are too overwhelmed to provide everyone with the support they need.
I have had to fight to get my restraining order increased, to have security put on my house, to protect my child, and to keep my contact details private.
The courts have refused to allow me a surname change for my son and my solicitor has advised me to do nothing unless my ex tries to gain contact with our child.
Frustratingly, family courts often favour both parents being in a child’s life, even when a mother has reported her experience of abuse. The fear of him possibly gaining contact with our son is absolutely exasperating.
At the end of the day, it’s time for me to put everything behind me, keep my son safe, and live my life without looking over my shoulder constantly. It’s also time to use my experiences to help keep other women and children safe.
Survivors of abuse deserve to rebuild their lives away from fear. But, without support, this isn’t possible.
All women and children should be able to, not only live, but thrive after abuse.
Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing Ross.Mccafferty@metro.co.uk.
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