Money is often a bone of contention in a relationship — even more so when one person is relying on the other financially.
In this week’s Money Problem, we hear from mum-of-two Jenny from Darlington, whose husband is the family’s main earner.
Now his business is struggling, he’s seriously tightening the pursestrings, controlling the 34-year-old’s household spending to the point she’s questioning whether it’s financial abuse.
With Jenny feeling confused and powerless, Metro consumer champion, Sarah Davidson, offers her input.
The problem…
I love my husband but I’m worried about the way he is with money. We both work and have two young children, a girl who’s seven and my son is five. Money is definitely tight – I am part-time as a receptionist in a hospital in Darlington, near to where we live and my husband runs his own construction company.
We’ve always managed to be comfortable enough but over the last 18 months or so, things have got really stretched. My husband’s company is having cash flow issues because of tax and the cost of everything is going up so much.
I’ll be honest, things aren’t great at home, we’re arguing more. To cheer myself up I was buying myself and the kids treats every so often. It wasn’t big stuff, just £10 or £15 here and there on clothes or taking them out for a pizza. My husband found some receipts and he flew completely off the handle at me, yelling that we couldn’t afford it.
Now he’s taken my bank card away and changed my login so I am completely dependent on him giving me cash. I know he’s only trying to look after us financially but I feel really powerless. What should I do?
The answer…
Jenny, this is coercive control by your husband. It’s a form of domestic abuse and it’s illegal. The language you use to describe the situation tells me that you know this in your heart but because you love him, you’re excusing his behaviour.
Financial coercive control, also sometimes called economic abuse, is a lot more common than you might think.
According to charity Surviving Economic Abuse, one in seven women in the UK has experienced economic abuse by a current or former intimate partner.
Most people think of domestic abuse as physical violence but it can come in all sorts of forms.
SEA explains: ‘Economic abuse can include exerting control over income, spending, bank accounts, bills and borrowing.
‘It can also include controlling access to and use of things like transport and technology, which allow us to work and stay connected, as well as property and daily essentials like food and clothing.
‘It can include destroying items and refusing to contribute to household costs.’
Taking control of a partner’s finances can be debilitating, as you’re finding. It is affecting your confidence, your mood and your and your children’s quality of life.
It may be that your husband is struggling with his own mental health – you’ve mentioned his company is having financial issues – but that doesn’t excuse the way he’s treating you.
Dealing with situations such as yours is extremely difficult and can be dangerous. Very often financial abuse comes hand in hand with physical violence or the threat of violence.
Having no access to money also means leaving is virtually impossible and you don’t know how he might react, so I strongly recommend that you seek some proper advice from a professional.
You’ve already identified that there’s a problem. It’s likely that it will get worse, making it very important that you have a plan in place to protect yourself and your children.
More Metro Money Problems
Know that you are not alone. There are people and organisations who will help you work out how to regain your independence safely.
You can call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247 to get independent and free advice and guidance, or speak to an adviser using their live chat function.
Surviving Economic Abuse also operates a Financial Support Line in partnership with Money Advice Plus, offering specialist advice to anyone experiencing domestic abuse who is in financial difficulty. You can call free of charge Monday to Friday, between 9am and 1pm and 2pm and 5pm on 0808 196 8845, though they do warn that it can take a while to get through.
If you or your children are in immediate danger, dial 999 to call the police. And if you can’t talk, dial 999 followed by 55.
It’s worth talking to your GP or any other NHS healthcare provider too, as they will be able to talk to you in confidence about abuse and the help that’s available.
There are lots of local domestic abuse services. Find yours by searching the Women’s Aid online directory or on Hestia’s Bright Sky app.
Additionally, Surviving Economic Abuse recommends that if it is safe to do so, speaking to someone at your bank or building society can be a useful step to help you regain control of your money. They may be able to suggest ways of de-linking your finances from those of the abuser, and of ensuring any new banking information is safe.
It may feel like a mountain to climb, made all the harder because you are married to this man, have two children with him and have said you love him. But this cannot go on – get some help and you may be able to rebuild.