Beyond sit-down meal vs buffet or band vs DJ, one of the biggest choices a couple has to make when planning a wedding is whether to invite children.
Child-free weddings are nothing new, and parents have long used these events as a guilt-free opportunity to call in the babysitters and have a night off.
However, adults-only nuptials are becoming increasingly commonplace, with a recent Bridebook survey revealing 70% of people don’t think kids should be on the guestlist.
On BBC Radio 4’s AntiSocial podcast, the wedding planning app’s head of brand, Zoe Burke, explained that Millennial and Gen Z nearlyweds are driving the trend, but it’s not necessarily because they’re anti-children — ‘they just want to have a day that goes perfectly to plan.’
‘They’re spending a lot of money on it, and there’s a lot of pressure for your wedding to be perfect,’ she shared.
‘And if you have a child that’s crying through your vows or heckling at your speeches, it takes some of that shine away.’
In Zoe’s opinion, a major contributing factor here is that couples nowadays are more likely to pay for everything themselves; so not only do their parents have less of a say over who comes, given the average wedding costs over £20,000, they have to cut their cloth accordingly.
‘I think people forget it does still cost to have a child at a wedding,’ she adds. ‘You don’t necessarily get a reduced rate for a child — or if you do, it doesn’t make a huge difference.’
Many agree, including writer Lizzie Cernik, who tells Metro: ‘My friends collectively have about 40 kids between them. I couldn’t possibly invite them all, or I’d be bankrupt. Plus, it would just turn into a crèche.’
What’s your opinion on child-free weddings?
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They're a great idea and allow for a smoother celebration.
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They'e fine, but I think children should also be welcome if possible.
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I don't like the idea; weddings should include the whole family.
It’s not just those who don’t have kids themselves who feel this way either; mum-of-two Maddy Alexander-Grout, 42, says she’s ‘not entitled enough to think [her] children deserve a place’ at a wedding, and relishes adults-only events as one of the rare times she gets to socialise ‘without the noise’.
Because her kids are neurodivergent, the ADHD money and business coach — who had children at her own wedding — actually finds it stressful when they’re invited, telling Metro: ‘I worry about people judging them, about them just being themselves and people thinking they’re being badly behaved.’
And judgement is also an issue for couples who opt for these policies, as well as for parents who RSVP no as a result.
Criticisms and coercion… on both sides
When Larissa Hazell, 34, wasn’t comfortable leaving her 14-month-old with a babysitter for a friend’s wedding, she faced comments ranging from ‘one bottle isn’t going to harm him’ to ‘you have to let your hair down and do something for yourself.’
‘While I get that the last one is well-meaning, it should be up to a parent to decide, not feel coerced into it,’ the Essex-based co-founder of parenting site The First Years tells Metro.
‘My child’s needs will always come before an event… People who have child-free weddings or events need to be happy with people not coming, or leaving early.’
Stephanie Wallis, 57, director of Safe and Sound Event Childcare in Hertfordshire, is often called in to look after reception guests’ little ones at a ‘separate’ location when they’re not welcome. Or in some cases, it’s the bride herself who hires them, ‘upset by the pressure of other family members, demanding that children attend.’
With her services proving more popular than ever, she believes part of the reason for the rise in no-kids-allowed events is the ‘differing parental approaches’ of the modern age — more specifically, ‘parents who give their children free rein and do not set boundaries.’
‘It’s frustrating for a couple when they know that this will impact their day,’ Stephanie tells Metro.
‘I had a wedding where some parents had insisted on taking their two young children into the ceremony, while all the rest of the children were with us in a crèche.
‘The 18-month-old spent most of the ceremony spinning on her bottom in the middle of the aisle, and her parents didn’t remove her. The focus of those seated parallel to, and behind her, was on her — not the couple.’
A divisive topic
On the contrary, a number of people responded negatively to a viral video of a bride side-eyeing a toddler interrupting her nuptials.
‘Adults-only weddings are trash,’ wrote X user, @IMadeLaws. ‘The point of a wedding is to bring families together. Families include children. If you want your wedding to be a sterile environment, you don’t want a wedding: You want a production.’
‘A wedding without kids feels like it’s missing soul,’ commented another, while a third added: ‘The bride wants all the attention for herself.’
Essentially, despite the recent normalisation of child-free events and the fact that they’ve been happening at least as far back as the early 1900s, they still have the capacity to divide people.
But since you can’t please everyone when it comes to this topic, the least you can do is try to minimise the drama. For couples, that means accepting that some people won’t want to attend without their kids, while for guests with kids, it means remembering what’s appropriate if they are invited and that it’s not personal if they’re not.
Most crucially, though? Never bring an unexpected (and unwanted) +1, regardless of their age.
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