The seemingly-remorseful tactic cheaters use to turn their infidelity into sympathy

‘Six months ago I met the love of my life — the most beautiful and kindest person in the world. Three months ago I made my biggest mistake and cheated on her.’

This might sound like the script of a second-rate rom-com, but it was actually a speech made by Norwegian biathlete Sturla Holm Lægreid at the Winter Olympics.

The 28-year-old broke down in tears when the interviewer asked him about taking home bronze in the men’s 20km, saying he’d actually had ‘worst week of [his] life’ after confessing his misdeeds.

‘I had the gold medal in life, and I am sure there are many people who will see things differently, but I only have eyes for her,’ he told NRK.

According to Lægreid, he felt the only way to fix things with his now-ex was to ‘put everything on the table’, and he was hopeful for a ‘happy ending’.

But his former partner doesn’t seem particularly happy herself, telling Norwegian newspaper VG: ‘I did not choose to be put in this position, and it hurts to have to be in it. We have had contact, and he is aware of my opinions on this.’

While most of us will never have our relationship woes aired quite so publicly, being outed as the victim of infidelity among your own circle is far from rare. In fact, one survey found 47.9% of cheaters admit it to family and friends.

And even if these apologies appear sincere or self-reproachful to some, there can be ulterior motives behind them.

Why confess on such a big stage?

If someone makes a confession say, at a family event, or in an acceptance speech, Debbie Keenan, BACP senior accredited therapist says it’s often motivated by one of three things.

‘They’re driven by guilt, shame, or anxiety about being exposed,’ she tells Metro.

‘A genuine reason for confessing publicly would be taking accountability, to stop it being a secret. A less genuine reason would be appearing remorseful in the public eye, which is more about self-image.’

While it may seem like a selfless grand gesture, Debbie adds that even if a person claims it’s not to get back with who they’ve wronged, many public apologies are made in a bid for forgiveness or reconciliation.

The expert explains this is often done without thinking of prioritising the person who’s been victimised by the infidelity, and their emotional safety.

‘Confessing in public removed the privacy the relationship deserves and places the betrayed partner in an extremely awkward and unfair position,’ Debbie adds.

‘It’s also deeply embarrassing and hurtful for them. It removes their right to privacy and control over their own story. It takes it out of their hands, which can be very damaging.’

Major red flag alert

If a partner confesses they’ve cheated on you in front of multiple people, Debbie warns that, in her experience, this is ‘definitely a red flag’.

‘It suggests poor boundaries and a lack of consideration for the partner’s dignity,’ she says. ‘Accountability should prioritise the hurt partner, not an audience.’

Psychotherapist Eloise Skinner, agrees, telling Metro: ‘If you don’t know how your partner would feel about it, it’s definitely a self-centred act (especially if you know your partner didn’t want the information made public).

‘Providing details would also be an intimate disclosure — it could even be seen as another betrayal, to follow the initial cheating.’

In some cases, it could even be evidence of controlling behaviour.

‘Public confessions can be a way of controlling the narrative before someone else does, and shaping how the public perceives the situation,’ Debbie adds.

Is there a right way to get someone back?

The damage may already have been done, but if you want to try patch things up after straying, there are better ways to do so than telling their parents how sorry you are.

Eloise explains: ‘Working on yourself (separately from trying to reconnect or apologise) is probably a good first step — trying to figure out what caused the cheating, why it felt necessary to do so, and what the deeper impulse might be.’

For some, it could be that they simply aren’t ready for a committed relationship, while others may need to do some self-development before starting something new.

‘Apologising is also important,’ Eloise adds, ‘but not in a way that demands anything from the other person. A good way could be to see what they want or need, and then responding to that (maybe they want details, or not, for example).

‘Expressing your regret and the things you’ve learned, taking responsibility, and demonstrating changed behaviour, are all helpful in the long-term, but it’s important not to demand anything from your partner, or expect things to return to normal immediately.’

Of course, you need to accept the possibility that, however much you grovel, it’s more about taking no for an answer

Cut your losses

And when it comes to what to do if you’re on the receiving end of a public grovelling apology?

According to Debbie, while it may break your heart, you should probably just ‘cut your losses’.

‘Protect yourself from repeated harm,’ she advises. ‘This is not the sign of a healthy relationship, there are already issues with commitment, boundaries and emotional boundaries.’

Debbie adds that ‘these conversations should happen behind closed doors, not in front of millions’ — or in the case of us regular people, not in front of family or friends.

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