When it’s healthy to find a new ‘type’ — and when it isn’t

Could it be time to give up the ‘tall, dark, and handsome’ type?

Lily Allen recently confirmed she’s in a new relationship, swapping Marvel star (and alleged bad guy) David Harbour, for the more slender arms of Sigmund Freud’s great-great-grandson, Jonah.

Of course, to those that know them, these two men could be similar in lots of ways, but on the surface, if David and Jonah were Top Trump cards, they appear to possess a wildly different set of skills.

On one hand, we have David: a 6ft 3in actor, best known for his action packed roles as the Red Guardian, and Hopper in Stranger Things, complete with a mountain of facial hair.

On the other, we have Jonah: a writer and artist who covets his privacy and has a thing for skinny scarves.

This might be just the change Lily needs, after all, TikTok ‘experts’ and our well-meaning mates will often encourage us to think outside the box, and stop going for the same kind of guy over and over and over again.

But is it always a good idea to do a dating 180° and switch up your type? An expert weighs in…

Why do people make relationship 180°s?

‘After a painful or high-intensity breakup, people often reassess what felt safe, sustainable, or emotionally nourishing in the relationship,’ psychologist Emma Kenny tells Metro.

‘As a reaction to this they then gravitate toward the qualities that feel calmer, more predictable, or more aligned with where they are in life.

‘In that sense, switching things up — including dating a different type of person — can be very healthy, it shows reflection and learning rather than repetition.’

However, Emma warns that there may be more to uncover under the surface: ‘If the change is driven by avoidance (I’ll choose the complete opposite so I don’t get hurt again) rather than insight (I’ve learned what genuinely suits me), the underlying patterns can still resurface.’

Essentially, choosing to be with a person so wildly different from your previous partner, isn’t always a positive choice.

Emma continues: ‘Sometimes a total 180° is growth. Sometimes it’s reaction.

‘The difference lies in whether the shift is intentional and self-aware, rather than a swing from one extreme to another.’

Why do we have ‘types’ in the first place?

What’s your type? Most of us have a go-to answer. Bookish East London boys with tattoos and tote bags. Finance, trust fund, 6ft 5in, blue eyes. Fiery girls with freckles and short hair.

And, for the most part, there’s nothing wrong with having a type.

‘We are shaped by our own frames of reference throughout our upbringings and social experiences with others,’ Dr Natalie Powell previously told Metro.

‘Our early attachments with our primary caregivers (usually parents) will form the basis of how we form relationships with others.

‘We will therefore often go for “types” that are familiar to us – that is patterns of interaction that we have experienced regularly before – even if these patterns aren’t particularly good for us!

‘For example if as a child you were often expected to take care of others, you may find yourself being drawn to a partner you feel needs rescuing.’

The problems arise when you start making decisions based solely off of the idea that certain attributes are an essential factor in the pursuit of love — especially when they’re often based on looks.

Psychologist Madeleine Roantree has rather strong opinions on this matter.

She tells Metro: ‘It always irritated me when my friends would label what type I was attracted to in my single days based on who I was seeing.

‘I find that clients who are fixated on a particular type have a harder time finding love, once we have worked on the more fundamental things like values, attachment styles and relational living, then things move along better.’

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