I mentioned politics – and my date unravelled

‘I don’t do politics’.

There it was, the dreaded words that had ruined our first date, only 30 minutes in.  

I was out for drinks with a 41-year old man Harry*, who I’d matched with on Hinge.

I tend to avoid dating people who explicitly put ‘not political’ on their profiles, but Harry had left the entire section blank – leaving me to assume he just didn’t want to get into a debate via a dating app. 

So, I was certainly not expecting him to be apathetic, when I asked him about his political interests.

It may appear to be too heavy for a first date, but I’m not scared of delving into some deeper stuff early on to decipher if we’re a match.

Harry certainly had some positive qualities and didn’t just stick to small talk,  such as love languages and attachment styles. But politics was not one of them. 

And, the more we talked about the matter, the more I realised this was a dealbreaker for me. 

Modern online dating in your thirties is hard. But navigating it amidst the current worldwide political climate, adds another level of difficulty. 

Our date started off a little rocky. He messaged to say the place we were meant to meet was full. I was a bit surprised he’d not booked us a table, which our pre-date chat had implied. So I already felt rattled going in.

We ended up at a nearby bar. When I arrived, he was already there, and I decided to let the bad organisation go. 

If I’m being brutally honest, I wasn’t initially physically attracted to him. But, I like to get to know someone more before making a judgment call. Attraction can definitely grow, particularly for me, if we share the same humour and core values. 

But, then I heard those words that doomed everything, and taught me a big lesson on how to screen matches on Hinge in the future. 

We first discussed the U.S. At the time, Renée Nicole Good had just been fatally shot by an ICE officer. I said that, in my opinion, it reflected the country’s ongoing descent into authoritarianism under Trump’s regime.

Harry seemed to be unaware of it happening, asking, ‘What’s ICE?’.

I was shocked, particularly as he said he was active on social media, where I had seen the horrific video of the incident everywhere.

When I explained the situation, he said, ‘Well why should we be engaged in that when it’s happening over there and it doesn’t affect us?’ and ‘We can’t do anything anyway.’

I mentioned that I was a member of an abortion rights group in the UK, though I’m currently living in Australia.

He could not understand why I cared. 

Similarly, he wasn’t aware of Nigel Farage’s politics. Or Peter Dutton, the conservative politician who’d recently lost the Australian election, and was labelled a ‘Temu Trump.’ It was bizarre he didn’t even know what was happening in his own home. 

It alarmed me that he could completely ‘switch off’ from global politics and didn’t recognise his privilege in doing so.

As a 41-year-old, heterosexual, white man, Harry does not face the same discrimination or experiences as women, people of colour, LGBTQ+ people, immigrants and those with disabilities. 

Failing to acknowledge your position and the importance of speaking up reaches a point, to me, where it suggests a lack of empathy and morality.

Harry might not have said anything outright offensive, but his sheer lack of interest was a red flag. 

I’m proud of how much I care about social justice issues. I want a partner who feels the same, or is at least open to learning. 

This date taught me to filter Hinge more closely. 

I’m not necessarily expecting matches to want to have a first date at a protest, I’m just expecting them to care.  

I do understand that not everyone is as interested or knowledgeable about politics generally, or might not have had the same education opportunities. This isn’t about judgment. 

Truthfully, sometimes watching the news can feel incredibly heavy, and it’s far easier to disengage and switch off. I’ve done this before.

But my issue was with Harry’s attitude – he seemed unwilling to hear my side. His tone was combative and he rolled his eyes as I talked. 

The date lasted a couple of hours in total as we had quite a long back and forth, before saying our goodbyes. 

Contrary to this experience, the following week, I went on another Hinge date with Claire.*

She openly admitted she didn’t engage in politics, because it made her anxious. 

However, Claire said she was open to learning more  – especially as it was something I was passionate about. 

The difference in how Claire and Harry approached the conversation was night and day. 

While things didn’t end up working out with Claire, as we wanted different things out of dating right now, it was still a positive experience. 

We didn’t speak again after the date, but I’m grateful I met Harry, as it definitely taught me something about the kind of person I want – and the kind of person I don’t. 

Now, before meeting a potential date, I try to subtly drop into conversation that this is something I’m passionate about. 

I’ll ask what some of their personal dealbreakers are, and share mine.

If someone takes issue with this, it doesn’t mean I think they’re a bad person – but I know they’re not right for me. 

*Names have been changed 

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing Ross.Mccafferty@metro.co.uk. 

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