After being caught cheating, you’d expect the guilty partner to be on their best behaviour, in the hope of making things right.
But that’s not the case for this week’s reader, after finding out her husband was having an affair.
Rather than grovelling, he doesn’t seem to be changing his ways. In fact, despite claiming he wants to save their marriage, he keeps going AWOL.
Does this wife go with her gut and end things? Or does she believe her husband, and try to stay together?
Read the advice below, but before you go, check out last week’s dilemma, where a broken-hearted man needed help grappling with his partner’s transgressions.
The problem…
I honestly think it’s only a matter of time before the men in white coats come to take me away and throw me in a padded cell — that’s how close to breakdown I feel.
The root of my anxiety is that I’ve discovered my husband of 12 years is having an affair, with someone he says is absolutely gorgeous and dotes on him. I found out because his friend’s wife thought he was behaving appallingly and I deserved to know.
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I had an almighty row with him, during which he said his lover is ‘dynamite’ in bed, and that I shouldn’t be surprised he turned to someone else as apparently, I am ‘cold and sexless’. I screamed at him to get out, but he refused to go because we have three children under 8, and he says he won’t leave them.
The next day, when he had calmed down, he said he wanted to try again to make our marriage work. But despite saying this, he continues to disappear in the evenings, doesn’t answer his phone, visits the other end of the country to watch football (supposedly), and comes up with a host of other excuses to get away from the family.
When I accuse him of still seeing this woman, he says I’m imagining it, I’m crazy, I need therapy and other accusations to do with my mental health. Friends say he’s trying to gaslight me, and considering I’m beginning to question my sanity, it’s working.
I’ve started sleeping in the spare bedroom, but he still says he wants to save our relationship because of the kids. Despite everything, I still love him and want to save our marriage too.
The advice…
First of all, let me assure you that you’re not going crazy, and you are not going to be taken away by ‘men in white coats’.
But there is no doubt that this situation is playing havoc with your mental health, and I do urge you to make an appointment with your GP and get some talking therapy. (You must stress that this is urgent, because it can be tough to access the right help.)
Meanwhile, reach out to close friends and family for some much needed TLC and support.
I often want people to try to save their marriage when there are children involved, as I know how damaging it can be when parents split up. But in your case, I think that staying together is probably hurting them more.
It sounds as though they are living in a very toxic environment, and they’ll be picking up on the hostility between your partner and you.
Your husband says he wants to save the marriage, but his actions indicate otherwise. It’s so cruel to undermine you as he does, from telling you how amazing his lover is to questioning your sanity. What kind of guy behaves like that?
You could try couples counselling as a last resort, sometimes these sessions work for no other reason than to confirm the marriage is over —and I think confirmation is what you need.
If you do end up separating, you’ll need legal advice to see what you’re entitled to, so make an appointment with Citizen’s Advice or preferably see a good lawyer as soon as possible.
Perhaps it doesn’t seem like it now, but I believe your life would be better without this man. Don’t let him convince you that you won’t be able to cope without him – you will.
What does gaslighting mean?
Gaslighting might be a common term used in pop culture these days, but it’s a very serious form of emotional abuse.
It can be used by individuals to systemically make someone question their memories, sanity or perception of reality.
The term is often used by mental health professionals to clinically describe a form of prolonged coercive control in abusive relationships.
Do you have a story to share?
Get in touch by emailing MetroLifestyleTeam@Metro.co.uk.