The one thing women agree is a major sex ‘dealbreaker’

Whether it’s cowgirl or the hotly debated 69, no sex act is universally liked.

But women have one major ‘dealbreaker’ when it comes to men in the bedroom, and it involves oral.

Essentially, men who are happy to receive a blow job but aren’t interested in returning the favour of oral sex to their partners have been labelled ‘red flags’.

Now, that’s not to say you should ever do anything you’re not comfortable with in the bedroom, but women say they’re putting far more into oral sex than they’re getting out of it.

One lady asked Reddit if it was ‘normal’ for guys to ‘not return the favour’ and the response was damning.

‘I went down on him which he seemed to enjoy, but he didn’t reciprocate,’ she said. ‘I find that a bit off. At the end I mentioned it casually and asked if it’s something he likes, and he said “yeah, sometimes”.

‘It’s kind of a dealbreaker for me as it’s usually the only way I climax.’

About 300 women responded, and this is what they had to say…

What women think about this one-way street

One woman said: ‘If by normal you mean common, then yes. If by normal you mean reasonable and to be expected, no… that’s bulls**t.

‘There’s a very obvious difference between “not everything has to be perfectly symmetrical every time” and “when I’m done this event is over”.’

Everyone was in agreement, too, with another woman adding: ‘I strongly dislike guys who are selfish lovers. Like, what’s the end game? Get your girl off.’

‘I’ve met two men who expected oral but wouldn’t reciprocate and I ended things,’ one said.

Someone even said men refusing to perform oral was ‘self-sabotaging behaviour’. ‘If you fulfil your woman’s sexual needs she will be more likely to want to have more sex with you,’ she added. ‘Refusing to take care of her is really just shooting yourself in the foot.’

Other women agreed that this behaviour from men was ‘normal, but nevertheless unacceptable’, while one woman joked: ‘I always say “if he doesn’t go down, we ain’t going to pound town”.’

It’s not about tit-for-tat

BACP psychotherapist Hannah Jackson-McCamley tells Metro that the oral sex gap in relationships is real, and says research suggests women who orgasm more frequently are more likely to have received oral sex.

‘Oral sex is a hugely important part of many people’s sexual fulfilment and for women especially, it can provide pleasure in ways that a penis can’t due cunnilingus’ focus on the clitoris,’ Hannah says. ‘The clitoris is the most erogenous zone on a woman’s body.’

She adds that no one should feel their desires are insignificant or unfulfilled. ‘If a relationship is healthy, you should feel safe to discuss your experiences so that you can achieve sexual satisfaction and develop an extraordinary sex life that pleasures you both reciprocally,’ Hannah says.

‘It’s not about the specific act, it’s what the refusal represents’

For sex and relationship therapist, and author of the non-monogamy book Opened, Courtney Boyer, this refusal to perform oral by men is deep-rooted.

‘Many men were socialised to see sex as something they receive, not something they co-create,’ she tells Metro. ‘If pleasure has always centred them, reciprocity can feel optional instead of essential. That’s conditioning, not biology.’

This is compounded by the fact that female pleasure has historically been misunderstood, shamed, or erased, according to Courtney. ‘When we grow up in cultures that censor a woman’s desire but normalise men’s, that stigma lingers,’ she adds. ‘This silence then leads to discomfort which breeds avoidance.’

Hannah agrees, saying men can associate giving pleasure rather than receiving it as emasculating and distinct from their own fulfilment.

‘Sadly, when this gets played out in the bedroom, it leaves everyone in the relationship feeling ultimately dissatisfied at a subconscious level,’ she says.

But regardless of conditioning, Courtney believes a man not wanting to perform oral can certainly be a dealbreaker.

‘It’s not about the specific act. It’s about what the refusal represents,’ she says. ‘If a partner is unwilling to care about your pleasure, listen to your needs, or meet you halfway, that’s a bigger relational issue.

‘Sexual generosity reflects emotional generosity. Personally, yes I would break it off if they weren’t interested in oral for me.’

She says it could even be considered a ‘red flag’ if this refusal is ‘rooted in entitlement, disgust, or indifference’.

‘How someone shows up in intimacy tells you how they’ll show up everywhere else,’ Courtney adds.

Hannah believes there’s only one way to tackle this stigma around female pleasure, saying: ‘It remains when we don’t call out our male partners for not respecting and reciprocating our sexual desires.

‘Talking about sex leads to better sex.’

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