As I lay flat on my back on the living room floor, my head up against a large speaker that was playing music full blast, it wasn’t the position I was in that was the most difficult thing to wrap my head around.
It wasn’t the volume either – although if I hadn’t been concentrating on trying to be present in the moment, I would have worried about my ear drums bursting.
It was the album playing.
Tenacious D. Specifically, their 2001 self-titled album.
It was a scenario my confused brain found hard to process: Jack Black screaming his hit ‘F*ck Her Gently’ as my date Liam* shuddered on top of me, orgasming.
As the song ended, Liam happily collapsed on me, and I sighed as the next tune began to play.
It was the summer of 2011, ten years since Tenacious D’s album had been released, so the novelty had worn off by the time Liam and I met.
I first connected with him at a house party I went to with my friend Lisa* who had introduced us. I turned to look at the shy man smiling sweetly at me, and decided, there and then, I would sleep with him.
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It was an easy decision. He was cute enough and I didn’t want to seek out anyone else that night. I assumed he would be vanilla in bed – he was timid, a bit shy and quite geeky.
Little did I know he would give me the most confusing orgasm I’ve ever experienced.
As we drank, we continued to get on, connecting over our love of the Alien franchise and computer games.
And while the night took an abrupt turn when Lisa felt sick and I had to take her outside, I had exchanged numbers with Liam, so was happy to call it a night and contact him the next day.
When he got my text, he replied immediately, which was the most luminescent green flag I had gotten. Bright, happy and joyful – like this sweet geek.
He invited me to his house the same day, and I was free as a bird, so happily went over. It was mid-afternoon, the sun was out and the street where he lived was full of people. It was one of those London days that just puts a spring in your step.
Liam owned his own flat, which was impressive. No housemates, no renting. I didn’t ask questions about how he’d achieved that so young – I didn’t want to look like I was prying about his bank balance. But it meant that we could have sex in every room of the house if we wanted.
And we did. In spite of his innocent appearance, he had a fair bit of knowledge on how to make a woman orgasm, and we ended up having great sex.
A few minutes after we had collapsed on the kitchen floor, he got up and went to the huge speaker in his living room to put on an album.
‘Remember Tenacious D?’ he said to me smiling, while taking out a CD and playing their first album.
We had sex again, and I orgasmed to the song ‘Tribute’. It was a strange but funny experience.
We chatted more, and by the time I left, I decided he would definitely be someone I slept with more consistently. Owning his own flat, and the privacy it gave us to be sexually free, was the biggest pull – but he was also a sweet, lovely man who actually made me orgasm – a rarity at that time.
I went to see him for sex again the week after – this time it was a quick visit, since I had to go meet a friend – and even though I’d assumed the first time was a spur of the moment decision, on this occasion Tenacious D was playing again.
I said nothing about it, and left laughing.
But when it happened for the third time, I realised that it was not going to stop. Jack Black crooned in my ears as I orgasmed – for the sixth time.
Tenacious D was dominating our fornication, and it did make me wonder whether he would rather be having sex with the guitar-shredding comedy duo than me.
As he collapsed on top of me to ‘F*ck Her Gently’ that day, I finally worked up the courage to ask him about it.
‘Can we listen to something else while, you know, having sex?’
‘Like what?’
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We were getting hot and heavy – then I saw the state of his boxers
I thought I was having a threesome – until wine glasses were thrown
I gave him oral sex – then he started talking about his sister
‘I don’t know – Kate Bush?’
He laughed, and put the album back on.
That was the last straw. I loved Jack Black – I still do – but I was unwilling to have sex to him passionately screaming ‘Wonderboy’ anymore.
Nor did I want to see his scrunched-up face, with his hair stuck to his sweaty temples, as he bounced around my brain. Not while I was being penetrated.
I tried one more time to ask Liam to change the music, but he refused, politely and sweetly. It seemed like this was what he actually needed to get off.
Even now I still haven’t ruled out whether he wanted to have sex with Tenacious D, and I was simply the vessel to allow his passions to truly fly.
While I would happily support someone’s kink wherever possible, this started to feel untenable for me.
During this time, I tried rewatching School of Rock. I felt uncomfortable. High Fidelity made me horny for all the wrong reasons.
It meant, unfortunately, my time was up with Liam. I told him over text that I wasn’t going to be seeing him anymore. He asked no questions – I assumed this wasn’t the first time this had happened.
Before I said goodbye, I wished him luck, secretly hoping that one day he would find the Tenacious D lover that would fulfil his sexual needs.
Recently, I rewatched School Of Rock and felt like I’d finally overcome the discomfort I’d developed during my time with Liam
Jack Black is firmly back in my life as a comedy actor – the way he was always meant to be.
And now, I orgasm to the music of my choice.
*Names have been changed.
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