This is why you should offer your next one-night stand a cup of coffee

‘I need them out of my space asap.’

‘I like them to stay so I can try to make them my partner, and then I’ll feel less guilt.’

‘They need to book me an Uber early.’

‘They can’t sleep in my bed, I don’t know them.’

These were just a few of the comments in a spirited conversation I was privy to at a pub recently. The subject under discussion: How long should a one-night stand linger before the parting of company?

Casual sex is popular — the UK is the fourth-most up for it country* (quite literally) — due to its power to be fun, pleasurable, and allow two people to explore their desires in a low-commitment setting.

Of course, for every subliminal shag, there are many cases of disappointing evenings too, but one specific cause for the ultimate comedown seems to be the lack of clarity on how a one-nighter should end.

Why are we so keen to kick out?

Myisha Battle, a certified clinical sexologist and dating coach, thinks that often when people want to separate quickly, it’s because of deeper-rooted sex-negative attitudes. Myisha tells Metro: ‘If it is casual, it’s commonly accepted that you don’t have to treat them nicely, but there’s a different approach if it’s part of a courtship ritual; we’re more willing to put in the effort to be respectful.’

This is echoed by one 30-year-old woman, who told Metro: ‘The fun of a one-night stand is the lack of commitment, so having someone in my space after the act defeats the purpose. I may sound savage, but if I wanted someone to cuddle, then I’d go on a date. The key is in the definition of a one-night stand; dating potential isn’t usually a second thought.

‘All of my one-night stands have involved meeting on a night out, so I’m usually not sober, and I have no desire to have someone there next to me when I wake up hungover, craving a Maccies and looking worse for wear.’

Goodbyes shouldn’t come too soon

Myisha argues that, actually, the morning after is a special time, whatever your status, because of the hormones that we release in sex: oxytocin for bonding, dopamine for pleasure, and prolactin for relaxation. 

‘People have this idea that there’s no benefit to those tender human moments after sex, like cuddling,’ she says.

‘It’s nice to linger in that space. It’s a temporary physiological state that doesn’t have to mean anything more than we just had a fun night together if you don’t want it to.’

The 43-year-old says that as an ‘elder millennial’, she’s seen firsthand how it has worsened after hooking up with younger people, who want to leave quickly or ask her to go.

‘The commodification of dating has changed our expectations of how we treat people that we hook up with,’ argues Myisha.

‘The churn and burn of dating apps means that sometimes the time span between matching, messaging and having sex is a matter of hours. It can set up this tendency to feel like meetings have one purpose, so people don’t feel they need to give any more.’

The desire not to hang around for lattes and croissants is also down to people thinking it will be awkward, suggests Myisha. Perhaps two people met after some Dutch courage, and when the sun rises, the reality of the encounter will be too much to bear. However, this doesn’t have to be the case, and cutting things off short could be detrimental. 

‘Hookups can turn into romances,’ she explains. In my own friendship group, two people have fiancés from nightclub hookups, and so can personally attest to the benefits of getting to know the person a little in the morning. 

‘It’s not that cut and dry what people will become depending on how they started. People are limiting their opportunities for romance with a “We’re done with sex. You’ve got to go” attitude,’ adds Myisha.

‘Historically, it’s men who exhibit that throwaway behaviour because they’ve been socially conditioned to think, “Why should I consider this woman to be a potential love interest when she had sex with me the first time we met?”’

Asking lovers to leave

There are always exceptions to her rules, though — and some people truly have got to go. ‘If they’re an asshole, rude or disrespectful,’ she explains. ‘They have to earn that privilege, but if someone has been perfectly lovely, you don’t need to get rid of them. 

‘If you have a personal boundary about your space or perhaps you weren’t planning on bringing anybody home, and you have s**t to do in the morning, that is respectable.’

‘I pretended I had to go to work very early, despite not actually working on weekends,’ a friend admits to me, saying that he wasn’t getting the hint that he should leave.

‘I even caught a bus, but then got off a few stops later and had to walk back up a hill. I was so hungover and sweating out alcohol. I was praying I wouldn’t walk past him.’

Myisha says telling the truth in conversations is key, and suggests broaching the topic before things have gotten underway.

‘That’s a nicer way to do it because it doesn’t seem like an afterthought,’ she explains. ‘You could say something like “I’m really excited for this, but just to let you know, you won’t be able to stay”. That person can then decide whether or not it’s worth it for them ahead of engaging.’

She adds that it is polite to ensure the guest has transportation home, and that safety should be considered, especially if a person is intoxicated. This is particularly important as young women most commonly experience sexual harassment or assault on public transport in the evening or late at night (via Forward). You could even consider letting them stay on the coach if you’re not comfortable with sharing a bed, she says.

Myisha points out that any person, regardless of how you met, what you’ve done together, or where you plan to take things in the future, should be treated with kindness. It’s common sense, but perhaps something that can be easily forgotten in the savageness of dating in 2025.

‘We’re all human beings, and regardless of any factors, there’s no value difference between different people, so it’s nice to be nice.’ So maybe next time, put the kettle on while they find their underwear.

Myisha Battle is the author of This Is Supposed to Be Fun: How to Find Joy in Hooking Up, Settling Down, and Everything in Between.

*World Values Survey

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing Josie.Copson@metro.co.uk 

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