I left my wife for a man — then I went back to her

Coming out can be the start of a new, wonderful chapter for many people in the LGBTQ+ community.

But for this week’s reader, the breakdown of his first same-sex relationship resulted in him returning to his wife.

With a loving partner and three wonderful children, his life may look perfect, but in reality, he feels ‘trapped’, hiding his true self.

Should he continue to live a lie to appease his family? Or is there an alternative option, that could allow him to live a more authentic life?

Check out our expert’s advice below, but before you go, take a look at last week’s dilemma, from a man who never should’ve said yes to his fiancée’s proposal.

The problem…

Ever since I was a small boy, I’ve always known that I was gay. In this day and age it should be fine, but in my culture I’m afraid it’s still unacceptable.

For this reason, I went along with an arranged marriage seven years ago, which pleased everyone in both families, except me.

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I can’t fault my wife, who is lovely, and we have three fantastic children. But I’ve never been able to stop myself from sneaking into gay clubs, miles from home, and meeting other guys.

For a while I was able to keep up this double life: on the surface, looking like a perfect husband and provider, but behind the scenes, having casual sex with men.

Stupidly, I fell in love with another guy and ended up leaving my wife last year. I was honest with her, and she was understandably horrified and told the family. This caused the most terrible shame, and my mother in particular was beside herself.

Unfortunately, things went wrong in my new relationship within a couple of months. I had nowhere to go except back home, where I begged forgiveness and swore it wouldn’t happen again. Part of me was pleased to be back as I missed my children terribly, but deep down I knew I was doing the wrong thing.

Everyone is delighted that I’m home, and my wife has accepted me back on one condition – that I ‘stop being gay’ and never get involved with another man. I have agreed.

Now I feel trapped and miserable, as I can’t just ‘stop being gay’. I love my wife, but in a sisterly way, and don’t know how to get out of the mess I’ve created.

The advice

It’s impossible to read your email and not feel great sympathy for you. You weren’t stupid to fall in love with another man; on the contrary, it’s really important that you stop trying to be someone you’re not in order to please other people.

The problem here isn’t that you’re gay, which is not a choice – but the fact that you’re living a lie to conform with your family’s expectations.

It’s great that you have such fond feelings for your wife, but sisterly love can only satisfy you so much; after that you’re left with an emptiness that can’t be filled, except by going back to your old life of casual affairs with men.

You know that’s not the answer but the misery caused by living this lie is only likely to get worse. Many people in your situation end up depressed, self-harming or with substance abuse issues. Would your wife really want that for the father of her children?

Don’t feel forced to choose between your family and your sexuality. Sit your partner down and talk to her honestly about creating a future together where you can live apart, be your authentic self, and yet still have a real role as a loving father and hopefully friend to your wife.

Your family love you and I do hope they’ll come round.

Please contact Straight Partners Anonymous, a support organisation for heterosexual people who discover their partner is LGBTQ+.

The organisation was set up many years ago to help people in just your situation, and they can provide support for both you and your wife.

You’re by no means alone, and they might help you and your wife find a way forward.

Laura is a counsellor and columnist.

Got a sex and dating dilemma? To get expert advice, send your problem to Laura.Collins@metro.co.uk.

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